m3h -

51% Geek

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I WANT MOOOOAAAAARRR!!!

12 am - 23rd december 08

3 days to christmas,

not that that matters.

I unlocked the door to chachoo's home, dragging my laptop with me. But i wasnt going to sit low today. 

I havent felt as lost and confused in a long time. As pissed at myself and as saddened by the state of affairs that the sorrow suffocates me. 

So I release the knot on my tie and slip out the suit. Jump into a sweatshirt and tracks and charge my mp3 player while I cross the laces on my joggers. 

Its cold outside, but I need to feel the wind from some place other than my driver's seat window. And as I step outside, I place the earphones where they should be. 

Take ... me home

In time you will come to love me, like one of your own.

Take ... me home

With you .... 

Noone else knows me like you do ... - Above and Beyond (noone else)

As I ran into the wind, the feeling of belonging accentuated. I hadnt done this for a while. Not in a long time. 

I sprinted further. Loving the feeling. For a few minutes I was in a state of trance. 

My lungs began to pain. I dont know whether it was the frozen air inside them or the result of the ciggarettes I sucked earlier in the evening.

But my legs werent laggard, and so I pushed myself further. 

Release yourself, its a big sky

Reveal yourself, its a big sky - John o Callaghan and Audrey Gallagher (big sky)

I didnt reach epiphany. The increased weight of depression eating slowed me down. But in my heart I was calm. 

Breath in this moment - its come and gone

Further and faster through your soul

Open your eyes embrace the dawn

Open your mind

Oh, oh. - John o Callaghan and Audrey Gallagher (big sky)

Yet in my head the tempest raged.

Quote of the day : You gain and you lose, thats the balance of life.

Dala - Fortress

So I was bored at my cuzn's place and he had this new tv series downloaded - Flashpoint. Some random canadian police drama. 

ANYHU, here's the ending track, which is awesome; yes.

And I will watch you disappear
From my fortress over here
And I will never understand
Every heart's a foreign land

And I'm so afraid to, so afraid to
Love you

And I will turn my eyes away
From the harsh light of your day
And I have slept through pouring rain
It was all that kept me sane

And I'm so afraid to, so afraid to
Love you

And I have drawn lines in the sand
To remind us where we stand
And I build castles while you thirst
They'll fall down but you'll fall first

And I'm so afraid to, so afraid to
Love you
Love you
Love you

flip

She said it with such unnerving calm; the news hit like a bat to the face. For a moment there, I froze.

With the book of the Lord in one hand and a rolled up tissue in the other; she tried to concentrate, in order to read, to distract her from her grief. Seeking that one true spirit that has given us Hope on a plate, everytime and anytime. 

But as she lost to the eminence grise inside her over and over again; eyes swollen and cheeks wet, I had the urge to hold her hand and press hard. squeezing for strength.

I didnt; it wasnt my place to.

Instead I sat there doing nothing, wondering in awe, how life works like a switch. Flip it and its off.

Inallaha Ma3 Sabireen - (Allah is with those who have patience).

Qoute of the day -  once you build your own rules and own walls, you start to realise that within those lines you cannot use your heart. since the walls you built were made of logic, and in the land of logic you need to feel from you head. 

you need to love yourself,

coz if you dont

you wont be able to live with yourself,

and if you cant live with yourself 

noone else ever will.

close your eyes 

and be prepared,

take a deep and longing breath.

grasp on air 

inside your fists,

squeeze till nails begin to drill.

grit your teeth 

and hear the sound,

that resonates inside your head.

Feel the emotions

swell inside your heart,

Hold your impulsions, 

thats not the way to start.

Consience will tear you apart. 

...and I will walk

a thousand miles,

just to feel alive...

this past week ..

.. has been completely like shit. 

Even though I love to ramble and trash talk alot, I dont want to say anything. I've repeated it so many times to so many people, even I am getting bored of myself. 

But the thing that makes it shittier is the fact that i feel like its shit. Its the fact that I felt so low. I felt so tired. so over worked. so disconnected and introvert. like i was curling up inside myself, slowly, tightly, weeping quietly. 

I was pissed off that I felt that way, and well, it didnt make matters any better :P But seriously, WTF? 

I was thinking ..

'dood what the hell? HOW CAN I BE SO DOWN and DEAD and TIRED and ANTSY and POOP like... I never feel low on energy ... hell .... I AM ENERGY!!! .. You want energy, I'll shock you and shake you up! .. This was so unreal this bitch.

anyhu, the waters have calmed (and also I've seen the latest 007, which was an action galore of kick ass butt kicking). And I'm feeling like me again. 

And at this point I realise I've never thanked a friend, not on this blog. Even though he means so much to me. He's always been there, been the first to know, been the first to show up, been the first to ask, and been the first to reach out and lift me. All I've ever given him is a hug. 

Qoute of the day: am so cheap. ;)

like rainfall ...

my hair falls.

____________________

Now if you've seen me, more often than not I've got long hair covering my head. And if you havent seen me, well, now you know. 

So wherever I go, I tend to leave some of my hair everywhere, you know .. just a lil bit for remembrance and giving all the budding black magicians a chance to test their skills.  And I am aware that my hair falls. But it wasnt that much really. Until prolly a few months ago when I could see it everywhere, my shirts, my books, office files, my friends when i hugged them ;) ;P. And people started to say, 'dood the hair's awesome but i dont like it on me' :P

But the nail drove in when I sat in the mosque during the Eid khutbah a month and half back scratching my head, trying to understand; and I look at the floor and its like a miniature rainforest down there (the sweat providing the moisture:P). I havent taken any medications or anything to do something to control it, but I can feel it now. 

I mean its falling on the drop of a hat. Holy Mother of Jesus! I brush my teeth and they fall! 

My aunt tells me I'll get bald in a few years time. Hell as shit! I am 20 years old, now's the time kids my age GROW HAIR, and I am loosing mine!

And I am a pretty chillax dood! I dont even get easily tensed, I mean seriously! I know its in my blood that our families tend to get decolorised in the head faster than many other races, but serious, baldness? noone's bald! 

And then i get these people telling me, my hair's falling .... and I am like .. *in my head* .. NO SHIT SIR! REEEELLLEY? WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME THEN, SHUD I STICK IT BACK? HUH ? HUH??!?!? HUHHUHUHUUH?!

I mean I already saw this coming. Its part and parcel of being where I am and what I do. And I knew they'd shed off sooner or later (although this seems very soon). But ALhumdulillah I am enjoying them for as long as they last .. YEAH!

and screw that shit man.

there are somethings you cant control and its best you leave it that way. unless you wanna go ahead do something like Nawaz Shareef did. thats a different story and I am not an exiled politician who drives around in a Rolls Royce Phantom.

sometimes u must admit... 

just like the rain falls, babies cry, the sun sets and shit happens. so does hair fall. unlucky *shrugs*

Quote of the day: 'This world's always going to need saving' - Nathan Petrelli - Heroes Season 3 

 

Change

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=No1MxAnHuJM

have you ever wondered that you were made for more?

for more than what you do and where you are.

for something greater, something bigger. 

have you ever wanted to do something? 

something to change the world?

to make a difference.

in my heart I feel it, 

but in my head I am clueless,

is that crazy?

I hope its crazy enough. 

Time is a bullet.

no?

I clickity clicked through some of the oldest pages of this blog. Probably not all of them, but some very old ones indeed. 2005 I think. 'I saw it again' - read the title. 

I am not scared, but its definitely harder to admit now; much has changed. I seemed to have locked that other person inside me, my personal friend; with whom I shared some of the weirdest wildest thoughts and experiences. And yet some so simple, but so extravagant that it made me shiver; now that I went through those posts. 

Much has changed indeed, but the silly bit is that the realisation never dawned until right now. 

My friend has changed. Or has he? I know their is a competitor alive inside me now, a rival, a critic. Who's pushing me to do it all, to grab it all, to swallow every opportunity whole, to never look back, to never regret, to learn everything, to think everything and to be a hero; in my own right.

Heh, is that even possible?

All this she-bang about maturity. Is this that? To be brave and bold and strong. To endure, to boast and to be the better man. To understand and adhere on the cost of forgeting what I'd learnt, what I'd felt. 

Have I lost my own friend; have I changed him? I still believe I have a fantasy within me, but I've yet to experience the same spirit. The spirit of simplicity.  

Time is surely a bullet, in both physical and spiritual substances. Its fast. So fast that you'll never know. And in the end, it'll surely take you down; by surprise or not, that is dependant. 

Nevertheless, I am glad I've kept this blog. And I hope it survives the financial crisis the world faces today! Flicking through it makes me smile, for the things I used to say and the things I used to believe in. May be I still do. That's mine for the keeps. 

I've been better. 

:)

since face book is FAIL. 

heres where it belongs

:)

sip on some fear
and candid pity
there goes another day
free of regrets
nil of worry
shielded by subliminal ideas 
and actions
without horizons 

chew on some thoughts 
of colossal proportions
give way to no courtesy
idealize without belief
creed, or justice

and with the regret 
that tails the passion
smile with guilty pleasure.

:)