So I realised something astonishing about myself. Something I had no idea I was deeply drenched in; until ofcourse when I went to the washroom this morning.
As usual my mind had been wandering and I happened to reflect upon the latest fight I had with a friend. A close friend, I might add.
I realised that from the time I start getting close to a person, my insecurities about the mutual relationship begin to surface and grow with time. Infact, more easily put, my insecurities are directly proportional to the closeness of my relationships.
Some may suggest this as 'opening up'; but mine are generally related to 'wanting more attention and care from you - dear xyz'. Incidently, I want THEIR world to revolve around me. Even moreso, I start expecting stuff which they never signed up for.
And the realisation that they dont realise, saddens me. And I go about pissing them off; Just to see their reaction; or making them hurt - whatever works really. self satisfaction. Therefore, I become a self involved, self centered, narcisistic and sarcastic little whiner aka a woman.
What do I learn from this? Well,
a) I am insecure about my best friends caring too much about others
b) I am also self centered and all of that above
c) I am scared of this realisation
The irony is though, I havent made up my mind, whether I should change. And in case I dont, the logical effect would be a straining of relationships in question.
Finally though, the Break Point shall be when; either I'll be too pissed to make ammends; or they'll be too frustrated to take my shit!
Quote of the day :-
Promise to god I'll break your heart.
Tear you to pieces and rip you apart. (30 seconds to mars)
PS: Seriously though, I believe I should keep a check on my opening up/insecurity ratio. Basically, I must learn never to expect ('tis not going to be easy).
7 comments:
I resent that you wrote "aka woman" :P
If its any solace, you have pretty much described how I behave when I get close to people.
I also believe there are a lot of people out there who have similar quirks.
have you found yourself the remedy? or you believe its something that defines you?
best thing to do is stab yourself in the face
^^ thanks habeeb u so creative habib. vAAO!
Im afraid the only remedy I can give you is to keep a check on your emotions and do not let them control your actions.
You may feel one thing but chose to do another.
:)
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