soldiers of death

everytime I run, I vow I'll leave them
but the twenty soldiers of death come marching,
burning on one end and ready on the other
and I submit to their cause.

its the 100th post YAY! -

so I've hit a century of mindless banter. I am going to celebrate this one with a poem. might now go well with many people; but i think its allright.


I am not a prophet by S. Zafar


I'm not a prophet,
Lest, I was sent as one.
But the scriptures betrayed us,
Strapped with brothers and guns.


Unfaithful their promises,
The hives have won.
Yet, the illusion remains constant;
of gods and none.


Sympathy may stay hither,
Tither pointless, revenge;
Sons of the fallen,
Have failed to avenge.


And in my sorcery
I soar above the donkey man
Then my weapon is fiction
The magic of neverland.


Lies wrapped in lust,
their Greed transceds.
ever ready to fail
and ready to condemn


So stray your implore from me
There's no wisdom i share.
Only light in the abcences of darkness
and darkness in the presence of itself.

cut it.bitch.

we cut our dreams with a cleaver

and drown our thoughts so deep;

that all we're left, is the essential

ability to survive and breathe.

them

So I realised something astonishing about myself. Something I had no idea I was deeply drenched in; until ofcourse when I went to the washroom this morning.

As usual my mind had been wandering and I happened to reflect upon the latest fight I had with a friend. A close friend, I might add.

I realised that from the time I start getting close to a person, my insecurities about the mutual relationship begin to surface and grow with time. Infact, more easily put, my insecurities are directly proportional to the closeness of my relationships.

Some may suggest this as 'opening up'; but mine are generally related to 'wanting more attention and care from you - dear xyz'. Incidently, I want THEIR world to revolve around me. Even moreso, I start expecting stuff which they never signed up for.

And the realisation that they dont realise, saddens me. And I go about pissing them off; Just to see their reaction; or making them hurt - whatever works really. self satisfaction. Therefore, I become a self involved, self centered, narcisistic and sarcastic little whiner aka a woman.

What do I learn from this? Well,
a) I am insecure about my best friends caring too much about others
b) I am also self centered and all of that above
c) I am scared of this realisation

The irony is though, I havent made up my mind, whether I should change. And in case I dont, the logical effect would be a straining of relationships in question.

Finally though, the Break Point shall be when; either I'll be too pissed to make ammends; or they'll be too frustrated to take my shit!

Quote of the day :-
Promise to god I'll break your heart.
Tear you to pieces and rip you apart. (30 seconds to mars)

PS: Seriously though, I believe I should keep a check on my opening up/insecurity ratio. Basically, I must learn never to expect ('tis not going to be easy).